The Green Twinkie

Hey, you! Why are you reading this? Are you bored or something? Did somebody or something force you to read this? I sincerely hope not but whatever.

As long as you are reading this I might as well tell you about the time I found a green Twinkie underneath my living room couch. It was a warm spring afternoon and I was engrossed in the latest page turner by R.L. Stine. I suddenly had a craving for something sweet.

So I dashed off into the kitchen and browsed through the pantry. My eyes fell upon a bag of half eaten tortilla chips, a mini box of cornflakes and two cans of cranberry sauce. I walked back to the living room disappointed but still hopeful.

Something then urged me to check under the couch. I don’t know what exactly but it might have been the Twinkie fairy. I struggled to lift the couch at first but then successfully flipped it over onto its backside. When I looked down at the carpet I immediately noticed the divine presence of the still wrapped Twinkie.

The plastic wrapper came off quite easily. Just as I was about to shove the golden cake into my mouth I noticed it was not so golden. In fact, it was a bright shade of green. I sniffed it for a minute… it smelled fine. I bit off a quarter sized piece of it and chewed slowly then swallowed. It tasted all right.

I then took a much bigger bite into it and the cream filling exploded into my mouth like a strong ocean current. That’s when I realized the cream filling is what turned green and rancid and thus infected the rest of the Twinkie. A steady stream of green vomit poured out of my mouth and onto the carpet!

I cleaned up the pile of puke as best I could and replaced the couch over the stain. It has been exactly seven years since I last looked under the couch.

I’m pretty sure the stain is still there.

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