I just ate an awesomely delicious double fudge brownie. It was positively orgasmic! Well… almost.
Why must brownies be so delicious? Why must cookies be so delicious? Why must Twinkies be so delicious? Why must all junk food be so freakin’ delicious!
Probably because it’s specifically engineered to be delicious. That’s right, junk food is in fact chemically engineered to be super tasty and super addictive. I’m pretty sure most of us humans are aware of this monstrous fact. If you’re not aware then prepare to have your mind blown.
Now, my goal is not to convince you or anyone to stop enjoying your favorite chemical laddened snack foods. On the contrary, I do believe we all have the right to eat whatever the hell we want to eat. Even if it means sacrificing health for taste.
I mean, that’s what this nation and other nations were founded on — the freedom to poison ourselves as much as possible! Right? Wrong?
Okay, all seriousness aside. Here’s a short list of what ingredients can be found in most junk food:
1) Palm Oil (Palmy goodness.)
2) Shortening (Accurately named considering it will shorten your life.)
3) High Fructose Corn Syrup (High Fructose Hooray!)
4) Artificial Sweeteners (Most of us prefer artificial sweetness over genuine sweetness.)
5) Sodium Benzoate and Potassium Benzoate (Yes… delicious and toxic.)
6) Butylated Hydroxyanisole (BHA)
(If you can’t pronounce it there’s a very good chance it’s bad for you.)
7) Sodium Nitrates and Sodium Nitrites (Salted saltiness topped with salt.)
You might be thinking to yourself: ‘Sounds pretty delicious’ and/or ‘Where can I buy these ingredients in bulk?’
Do not fret because most major grocery store chains are very well stocked with foods that contain all of those delectable ingredients and then some. Yes, it’s very unlikely there will be a shortage of tasty toxic treats within the next decade or so.
If anything, I’d say Nuclear Armageddon is more of a certainty. And if that certainty is on the horizon then let us continue ingesting and digesting all of these fantastic Franken foods!
But what if… just what if such blatant toxicity is what’s keeping us from achieving physical immortality? Hmmm. Who knows… maybe the next godlike being is being held back by a serious snack cakes addiction. Seems rather plausible.
Of course, I don’t have any hard data to backup such an awesome theory.
That’s why I still believe each and every one of us has the right to eat whatever crap we want to eat. So, let’s gorge until we can’t gorge anymore! And then gorge some more after that!
Fat and happy is what we must all strive to become! Fat and happy! Yes!
Or… we could balance things out with some fruits and vegetables every now and then. But that’s crazy talk!
Fat and happy is our ultimate goal!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
(Breathes heavily then lies down to take a twenty minute nap.)
*Note: I do not condone the over indulgence of junk food. This essay is strictly meant for the purposes of some weird form of entertainment. We all have freewill and therefore have the ability to make a well informed choice between a brownie and a double fudge brownie.*
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